... would smell as sweat [UPDATED]

Well, after that football on the weekend, we could certainly do with a good chuckle. So we were very pleased indeed to discover an ABC radio segment on 'Wrecked Titles', where listeners are invited to suggest an alternative title for a literary classic by adding or altering a letter.* Herewith a selection from the final shortlist:

The Last Mango in Paris
Rosencrantz and Guilderstern are Deaf
The Fridges of Madison County
The Road Less Gravelled
The God of Small Thongs

In this spirit we give you some children's classics:

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stove

Where the Mild Things Are

We're Going on A Pear Hunt

Don't Let the Pigeon Drive the Bum

Tomorrow When the Car Began
The Day My Mum Went Psycho

Piff the Magic Dragon

I Capture the Cattle

If I Slay**

New Hoon (and its sequel Breaking Down)


And here are some of our very own that we almost signed up, but decided to tweak slightly before actually publishing:

Somebody's Frying Maureen McCarthy's tale of suspense and intrigue in a small country kitchen.
How To Ditch Your Hairy Justine Larbalestier's manual on the depilatory arts.

Guardian of the Mead Karen Healey's paranormal adventure - set in a pub.

Pint Lili Wilkinson's coming-of-age novel about finding out who you really are - set in a pub.

Dean Swoosie Penni Russon and Kate Constable pen a biography of one of our most eminent clergymen

Going Ovine Libba Bray's wacky road-trip novel about Mad Sheep Disease

Pagan's Laughter The final in Catherine Jinks's beloved series - where everything just goes swimmingly for Pagan.

The Waterless Seal The second book in Kate Constable's Chanters of Tremaris series sees Calwyn and her friends travel to the desert to rescue a dehydrated seal who has the gift of chantment.

Mr Chicken Goes to Parts Leigh Hobbs's picture book about a large juicy chicken, not recommended for vegetarians.

Step Up and Lance Thalia Kalkipsakis's Girlfriend Fiction novel about a young girl who joins a jousting squad of professional medieval knights.


***UPDATE***
Get thee to the comments and read Bakersdaughterwrites's hi-LAR-ious contributions! She be clever.


*Oh look! Cakewrecks seems to be getting into the spirit too.
** Actually, if anyone out there is minded to write this one, we'd quite like to read it with an eye to signing it up...

Mrs Malaprop is in the House

Words you don't want to get mixed up:
affluent - effluent
elicit - illicit
eminent - imminent
evade - invade
desert - dessert
deviate - deviant
gorilla - guerrilla
in appropriate - inappropriate

New verb in the House of Onion:
romanise (verb) - Colloquial rom
[usage: Please rom that itals entry to indicate it has progressed from pending to final.]

Suspicious verbs we have encountered recently:
birthday (verb)*
We will birthday that scheduling strategy next week.

Phrases that are almost common, but not quite:
Slow as a wet weak
Towing the line
To wet your appetite
For all intensive purposes
Nip it in the butt**
To dry reach
A hare's breath
One in the same
No if, sands, or buts
Anchors away
One fowl swoop [Unless it is a chicken leaping off its hutch!]***
One foul swoop [not much better]
Slight-of-hand [The sleight-of-hand magicians might also be slight of hand if they are small-boned.]

The moment we stepped foot in the murky waters of misused phrases, we knew there would be much to do about nothing, but we decided to play it by year...

*Thanks to Lili for bringing this one to our attention.
** This is so hilarious we can't look at it without laughing.
***Although, it has to be said, Macduff might be partially to blame for muddying these waters given that in the same breath he calls Macbeth a 'hell-kite' who has done away with all his 'pretty chickens'.