24 January 2011

Open letters: a tale of love, found and replaced

Find and Replace, mi amore,

I love you, I love you, I love you almighty, I wish your pyjamas were next to my nightie.*
I love it when you strip the double spaces and the strange multiple tabs from my sentences and paragraphs.
It makes me weak at the knees when you take a word I don't want and turn in into something else entirely. Something better and stronger and bolder.
It's magical between us.
I hope you won't think me too forward if I say I want to REPLACE ALL.

Love unto infinity,
Your editor xxx
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Find and Replace,

YOU ARE DROPPED. You are unfollowed and unfriended.
You have behaved ABOMINABLY.
You ought to have known that those words you substituted were not what I wanted. You have made a mess of everything.
Your wilful misunderstanding of my wishes has hurt me deeply.
I think it's best that we have no further contact.

Editor
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Dear Find and Replace,

I am now willing to concede that I played some part in the recent ... unpleasantness that occurred between us.
I can see that some things I said were a little ambiguous. I ought to have been clearer.
I would like to resume our friendship - but I hope you understand when I say it has to be on a strictly professional basis. We can't let ourselves get carried away.

Kind regards,
Editor






*Now don't be mistaken, now don't be misled. I mean on the clothes line and not in the bed.

2 comments:

zz said...

I loled.

Anonymous said...

With full apologies, I did not find and replace, I edited my email and my pitch with zest based on my email format. I shall ensure my words will wondrously wink at you in an entirely professional manner. I was also wondering that in the midst of a heatwave an Alien Onion peeps my want to read my full manuscript of book one of the Cross My heart series" under a panama hat for full effect

Nuff said Onion won't do that again