24 January 2011

Open letters: a tale of love, found and replaced

Find and Replace, mi amore,

I love you, I love you, I love you almighty, I wish your pyjamas were next to my nightie.*
I love it when you strip the double spaces and the strange multiple tabs from my sentences and paragraphs.
It makes me weak at the knees when you take a word I don't want and turn in into something else entirely. Something better and stronger and bolder.
It's magical between us.
I hope you won't think me too forward if I say I want to REPLACE ALL.

Love unto infinity,
Your editor xxx

Find and Replace,

YOU ARE DROPPED. You are unfollowed and unfriended.
You have behaved ABOMINABLY.
You ought to have known that those words you substituted were not what I wanted. You have made a mess of everything.
Your wilful misunderstanding of my wishes has hurt me deeply.
I think it's best that we have no further contact.


Dear Find and Replace,

I am now willing to concede that I played some part in the recent ... unpleasantness that occurred between us.
I can see that some things I said were a little ambiguous. I ought to have been clearer.
I would like to resume our friendship - but I hope you understand when I say it has to be on a strictly professional basis. We can't let ourselves get carried away.

Kind regards,

*Now don't be mistaken, now don't be misled. I mean on the clothes line and not in the bed.


zz said...

I loled.

Anonymous said...

With full apologies, I did not find and replace, I edited my email and my pitch with zest based on my email format. I shall ensure my words will wondrously wink at you in an entirely professional manner. I was also wondering that in the midst of a heatwave an Alien Onion peeps my want to read my full manuscript of book one of the Cross My heart series" under a panama hat for full effect

Nuff said Onion won't do that again