It's the time of year when we sit down to examine the service we provide here at Alien Onion. We ask ourselves important questions. We give ourselves a Performance Review, if you will...
What are our Business Objectives?
To talk about cake and to talk about books.
Are we meeting our Key Performance Indicators?
Have we talked about cake? TICK. Have we talked about books? TICK. Okay, we're good.
Have we birthdayed any new initiatives or sunsetted any poorly performing ones?
Okay, we have no idea what this means. But for birthdays we usually have cake, so we're calling this a pass.
Are our clients getting what they expect from our service?
Well, here we may have fallen down. Because, once again, people have come to Alien Onion searching for something we didn't provide. We'd like to take this opportunity to make that right.
What is the address for YA?
We know it's not 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
It's not 221B Baker Street, London.
Nor is it 221 The Esplanade, St Kilda.
It's probably not Number 1, One End Street.
And we don't think it's The Hundred Aker wood, under the name of Sanders,
or Green Gables, Avonlea, P.E.I., Canada.
It might be somewhere in Forks, Washington.
Or c/- The Hopewell Hotel, New York, NY.
Any mail to District 12, Panem would probably be intercepted, so I wouldn't bother with that.
Did you try 4 Privet Drive, Little Wingeing, Surrey or 12 Grimmauld Place, London?
Or maybe the White Pages?
What is an onion covering called?
A hat? A blanket?
What is the Astrid Lindgren Memorial Award in 2011 for?
It is for Shaun Tan, y'all. It is for Shaun Tan!
What type of guinea pig is the nicest?
We like this one:
He's from Beatrix Potter's Appley Dapply's Nursery Rhymes.
But you might prefer, say, a guinea pig in a dinosaur costume?
"Zombie biscuit barrel"
Did you find one? It sounds awesome! Does it say braiiiiinnnns whenever you open the lid?
"Woman's Day articles on Cameron Daddo"
Actually, this is not covered in our Core Business Objectives. So we won't be providing, like, a list of these or anything. But here, this might be worth your while.
What to use instead of cardamom?
You could try cardamon. Many people prefer cardamon.*
The most effective technique Barry Jonsberg has use to engage his audience?
The greatest trick Barry Jonsberg ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist. Oh, wait, no, that might have been the Devil.
Perhaps he used the Force? No, wait, that might have been Luke Skywalker.
Was it that he was a shy, clumsy boy who became a handsome young wizard who courageously destroyed the final Horcrux and saved the world? No, perhaps we're thinking of Neville Longbottom.
Okay, so in the spirit of trying to satisfy our clients we concede that the most effective technique Barry Jonsberg has used to engage his audience was ... to write a slew of brilliant books. There. See. We can be helpful.
How to spell marshionnn
You know, you're even colder than the last time you asked.
Does snakes like onion farm?
Lots of open space? Nice rustley onion tops to hide in? Sounds ideal. Why wouldn't snakes like onion farm?
What is the book Singing My Sister Down about?
Okay - so it's about these twin sisters who live in small-town America. Renee and Esme both dream of being pop stars, but when Esme fluffs her audition for SensationMaker USA and only Renee is chosen for the nation-wide singing competition, trouble ensues. Esme vows to do whatever it takes to bring her sister down. When she meets a handsome young warlock, Gerald, who promises to give her the voice of an angel, Esme doesn't hesitate - and soon her debut single is battling with Renee's to be top of the charts. But then Esme discovers the real-life angel, robbed of her voice and languishing in the dungeon of Gerald's semi-detached, and she has to start examining what she has sacrificed for fame. Esme realises she will need her sister's help if she is to restore the angel's voice and bring down the wicked Gerald. Renee is at first resistant - but eventually the sisters realise the most important thing they have is each other. Together they are an unstoppable force for good, and who knows, maybe a duet is just what the market is ready for?
We hope that's all the info you'll need to ace your lit essay on 'Singing My Sister Down'.
So that about wraps up this Alien Onion Performance Review. We will endeavour to meet all your needs in the coming year.**
*Fisticuffs ensue in the House of Onion because of reasons.
** Although keeping this promise is not one of our KPIs.