22 January 2010

Stationery 3 - The Revenge

So, we have had the Top FIVE (six) FOR THE WIN stationery items and the Top THREE (four) FAIL stationery items.

What's next? As Jed Bartlet would say. And in the spirit of Let Bartlet Be Bartlet, we say: Let Stationery Be Better.

And with that we give you the Onion list of:

Oh-I-Wish-It-Existed stationery items:
  • Self-organising notepad that records all those helpful tips jotted down and never to be found again.
  • An auto-complete proof-checker and print-order generator (once-activated it checks all corrections efficiently, identifies any unseen errors and corrects them, and packages up the final PERFECT proofs - with trim marks - in a bundle with a letter to the printer and a completed print order).
  • Right-sized, right-strength rubber bands.
  • A filing robot that takes any document or photocopy and puts it neatly away in an easy-to-find file.
  • A device that automatically sorts and tidies shelves, boxes, files, my brain...
  • A mini desk-sized guillotine (with Buffy on it, and it's scratch 'n' sniff and smells like purple lollies, and beeps at 2.30 every afternoon like an editorial alarm. And also gives me unsolicited compliments.)
  • The absolutely perfect never-fail pocket-sized pencil sharpener.
  • Household sponges with labels, eg floor sponge, toilet sponge, sink sponge.*
  • A nice green plant.*
Meanwhile, in the Mothership they are letting Bakers be Bakers. Behold this range of items that once-activated did not remain stationary** for very long. A beloved member of staff was leaving, and it seems the Mothership expressed their feelings through cake. Lots and lots of lots of cake. Jealous.

* No, we don't know how these items qualify as stationery either. As we have said throughout this stationery-fest, disobedient Onions. Nor can we fathom how one Onion has failed to realise that a nice green plant is not a pipe dream - nice green plants do actually exist in the world and could be easily, you know, acquired.

** By-the-by, if you have trouble telling your stationery from your stationary, here are a few mnemonics you might find useful . (1) The friendly person who sells you pens and post-its is a 'stationer', clearly not a 'stationar'. Problem solved. Or (2) remember that the 'e' in stationery is for 'envelope'. Problem solved. Or (3) paper ends in 'er', so does stationery. Problem solved. Onions - we are here to help.


Natalie Hatch said...

But spellcheck said "stationary" was right, what's the go? *grin*
I would like one of those self organising files thanks when you invent it I'm first in line.

Unknown said...

I think that sponge idea ought to be patented immediately.

lili said...

I was taught that your cAr is stationAry and your pEn is stationEry.

(also, the captcha for this comment is "chavoyin". I'm not sure what it is, but I'm pretty sure you could get one from Smiggle.)

Celine said...

ARGH. Spelling. It's everywhere.