09 December 2008

A few open letters...

Dear Compound Adjectives,

On the surface, your rules seem so simple and easy to follow, but underneath you are confusing and convoluted. Why?

regards,
A possibly ignorant but willing-to-learn editor
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Dear Adverbs,

I am writing to inform you that we can never be friends. I admit that used appropriately (See what I did there?) you can add to the richness and flow of a piece of writing. But the simple fact is: I don't trust you. You have a nasty habit of ganging up with your friends and stealing all the thunder from the poor innocent verbs.

Sincerely,
An editor dashing hurriedly out the door to hungrily wolf down her lunch
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Dear Participle Phrases at the Beginning of a Sentence,

Listening to your lack of rhythm, I quickly lose interest.

Best,
Trad.
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Dear Split Infinitives,

Don't listen to them. I will boldly go where ever you wish to lead me.

Yours,
To edit
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Dear Microsoft Word Grammar Check

You suck.

Ed.
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Dear Australian Pine Trees

Why do you have branches that grow straight upwards and are thus virtually impossible to hang decorations on? Perhaps you should take a leaf (as it were) out of your northern cousin the fir tree's book. Horizontal branches only, please. It would be appreciated if you could have this implemented by next year.

Sincerely,
A Concerned Tree Trimmer

4 comments:

lili said...

The pine tree branch fail is one of the three reasons why I have a fake tree. The other two are:

- I am violently allergic to real ones, and cannot be in the same room as one without medication.

-There was an incident. Involving the angel's skirt and a nest of baby spiders. Nuff said.

hereandnow said...

Dear Onions

How are you so awesome?

Yours sincerely
hereandnow

(currently waging war on the inappropriate use of 'that' in relative clauses)

Penni said...

Dear editors,
please ruthlessly and fearlessly strip out all adverbs from all my novels, especially the ones that have already been published.
love,
an apologetic author

What Kate did next ... said...

Forgive me, editors, for I have sinned - not once, but many, many times...

(Dare I ask, what are your views on ... and --'s, for which I have fatal weaknesses???)